Controlling time

I am introverted. I might come off as social and extroverted, but it is really not my element. It can be really stressfull. I almost feel like it is performative at times. The thing I notice however, is that time moves very quickly when I am in converstaion. Like I almost do not have time to pay attention to what is said, or time to reflect, time to find my thoughts. I sort of jump over to autopilot, witnessing myself rushing through replies and comments.

I am also not a very active person. I have practiced Taiji for a couple of years, and I quite regularily do climbing, and play some squash every now and then.

I first discovered it with Taiji. At some point, you realize that you control time. Which is to say, you chose how fast or slow to go. There is no 'ideal' speed. There is never not too many things going on at the same time, which I have felt so many times. Instead, I have realized I am simply trying to do too many things at the same time.

The same feeling popped up in squash. I was running like a madman, trying to anticipate where the ball would go, and I would keep my eyes stuck on it. Then I realized I was not breathing - I was trying to manage more at the same time than I could, so I forgot the most important thing. After that, I started playing more slow. Hit the ball gentler to the wall, so I would have more time before my next hit. Making space. Controlling the time.

In climbing, I started focusing on the breath. Feeling my diaphragm rise and fall with each move. Not to rush for the next move, but to keep time for breathing.

I learned, about myself, that when I am trying to handle more than I can handle, I lose my breath. And when I lose my breath, I cannot hold anything.

The thing is though, that rushing, that feeling of 'too much at the time, too much to bear'.. That is also controlling time. It is making the window of time too small. Even if it is not on purpose, it is a choice to rush. And the opposite can be chosen, if only you can realize you are doing it to begin with.

I can feel awkward in conversation. Having this sort of view of myself, witnessing. Instead of listening, I try to figure out what the proper response is. Instead of listening to what my heart says, I try to figure out what the other might want to hear. I am not making enough time for either of us.

Next year, I want to learn to control time. There is never a rush.

https://takagimasakatsu.bandcamp.com/album/marginalia-48

This song gives me that feelig. Time, slowing down. This tightness in my shoulders loosens. My breath deepens. Some muscles in my face I did not even realize where tense, let go. And intuitively, I close my eyes. Let us rest in this peaceful pocket of time we have conjured.

Peace, it turns out, comes form within. If the world feels rushed, you are rushing. Why the rush?